Some Days Are Good. Some Days Are Bad.

Life is still a constant roller coaster here. Some days I am ok with everything going on. Other days I feel so lonely and wonder if I am making the biggest mistake of my life. I love the Tiger. I really love him. I look at him everyday and wonder what went wrong. Why can't it be different? All along I thought it was him. We were breaking up because of him. As the days go on, I am beginning to think it's me. Maybe it's really not, maybe it's the guilt of looking at my life being packed up in boxes once again. Either way, the decision has been made and it's not something that can be changed now. It is what it is. But, sometimes I still feel so sad. As if now I am going to be alone forever. 30 is coming up next year. I always thought I'd be married long before 30. Looks like I'll be single.

House hunt is interesting. I enjoy seeing how others live and what they describe as a "spacious 2 bedroom with a beautiful view." I think I finally found the perfect place for me and Missy last night. I am waiting on my application to be mailed to me.

Job hunting is slow. I have an interview today for a temp to perm job at a steel company. If I could get it, that would mean some nice benefits. But, let's not try and get our hopes up here. I am rusty in all of this stuff.

Something Too Pretty Not To Share

I am constantly motivated and mesmerized by writings. When I was a child, I longed to be a writer when I grew up. I read every single book I could possibly read and I lived through my books. I would day dream up my own stories. That dream faded like most other dreams as you age. I still write sometimes. But, mostly just scribbled thoughts at the end of the grocery list or on an envelope of a bill. Nothing concrete anymore. I hope to get back to all of that in my new life.

So I came across this today. Written by a friend who is a new mother. One of the most beautiful things I've seen in awhile. All of you new mothers can appreciate this. Heck, even if your baby is 30 years old you can close your eyes and picture your daughter as an infant........you can relate too.

Have you ever seen an angel sleep? Those cherub little cheeks and that picture of a halo that floats so serene above her precious head. The beautiful white flowing dress. She's as pure as the first snow fall. This angel I see was a gift to me.

Have you ever heard an angel laugh? That little giggle that echoes in your ears but most of all your heart. The bluest of eyes beaming with joy as she melts you from the inside out. An angel with a laugh that I will hear forever!

Have you ever been touched by an angel? With skin so fair and soft that it feels like feathers? The grasp of her hand as if it speaks directly to your heart, telling you stories that only a mother can understand.

Have you ever smelled an angel? A mix of soap and cotton candy and this morning's bubble bath. A sweet smell that leaves you wanting more. A smell that will take you where the rest of the world can't. It's as if you can fly with her.

This angel, you see, is one given to me. The most precious gift in the world. A daughter. My daughter.

Why Children Are Funny

So, we all know that Missy has some sort of relationship with God that I have not quite figured out yet? Well, here's a conversation we had today in Wal-mart. Yep, right in the Halloween candy isle.

Missy: Mom, can I get this?

Me: (No answer. I was thinking. I'm pretty spacy these days)

Missy: MOM!

Me: Huh? What sweetie?

Missy: Why don't you talk anymore?

Me: I am sorry kiddo. I am just distracted lately.

Missy: Is God pulling you different ways?

Me: Yeah, I guess so. I'm just really tired and stressed. I'm sorry.

Missy: Well, you know God was pulling me two different ways, but he finally told me the way to go.

Me: Really? Which way is he telling you to go?

Missy: He's telling me to move away so that you won't be sad anymore.

Me: Thanks Miss. Anything God is telling you for me because I can't really hear him?

Missy: Yeah. He says for you to move as soon as you can. And to wear your hair down more. He likes your hair down.

Me: (laughing)......oh that's so cute. Thanks.

Soooooooo, we continue walking. Then Missy says, "Oh and he also said if you don't start praying at dinnertime, you may not go to Heaven."

What am I ever going to do with this child? She cracks me up.

Wordless Wednesday - Here's To Finding Old Friends

I came across this picture this morning, an old pic of me and some friends. It made me smile.

I Am Thankful

I am thankful to everyone who is there for me during this hard time. You never really know what you have until times like this. And I have some of the best friends in the world. Missy had a wonderful weekend thanks to my mom and two of my friends. A friend of mine, who doesn't blog, took her to a fair on Saturday and swimming. And you all know Sheryl, she has been my church mom all along. I never have had a chance to blog about her stepping in and taking Missy to church. But, she is now revealed! Missy is having a wonderful time going to church with her. For whatever reason, I think it's amazing she is being called by God to follow Him. Sheryl and her husband Scott really couldn't be anymore of a perfect match to help her through this journey.

Right now, I am kicking myself. I gave up just about everything to move in with the Tiger. All my belongings were either sold or given away because he already had a house full of stuff. So, now when I leave all I have is one dresser, one bed, a bookshelf, toys, clothes, and a cedar chest. Everything else I am going to need. Note to self: Do not make this mistake again.

Yes, I am giving up school until January. I am sorry this will disappoint everyone. But, I cannot continue to go to Nursing school full time, work full time, and be a mom. Time to get off my butt and go back to work full time. I plan to enter back in school in January, possibly with a new major. One that I go to school part time and it not affect my life too much. Maybe something online would be ideal. Oh wait, I won't have a computer either. There's always my parents.

I've made a resume' and emailed it to a girl that manages an employment agency. I have an appointment to fill out an application there tomorrow so they can start placing me. I am trying for a job in Indiana, before I attempt to have to go back to Chicago. I don't want to do the commute again. But, that's where the money is........so we will see.

Please Turn The Lights On

It's dark in here. Someone turn the lights on. Please pray for me. This should be, by far, the saddest blog I hope to ever write. Life can't get any worse right now.

Last December, right before Christmas, I wrote a sad poem. I can't find it right now, because it was before I labeled all my posts. And I just don't have the energy to search for it right now. But, it was a poem about something that broke my heart.

9 months later and I am still not over that night. I don't think I ever will be. Tonight, my life took a turn I never thought it would go.

The Tiger and I broke up. Shocking, I know. I keep thinking over and over in my head. Is this real? How does a love you thought would never end all of a sudden just end? We haven't gotten along in a really long time. I've just been fighting the inevitable. But, it finally came out in the open. It is what it is.

So, now the questions play into my head...........how do I say good bye to 2 and 1/2 years? Where will I live? How will I finish school without his help? And what will I tell Missy? I have no idea how to tell her. How can I tell her that I managed to fail at giving her the only chance of a dad she ever had? I am not perfect. I really didn't fail. It just wasn't meant to be. I am not really to blame for this. Or am I? It still hurts so bad. I have a final on Monday. I don't have time for this. But, I must face it.

Please let me be strong and make it through this. It's late. I have no one to call. So I poured my heart out in my blog. Sorry if I've upset anyone.

And The Wedding.......

I will have more pictures soon. I am waiting for the CD that's going around to print out all the awesome pictures! But, for now these will have to do.

The dress fit perfectly! 13 lbs. down.....

The Maid of Honor Wore Pink



The New Mr. and Mrs.



What a Beautiful Couple!

That's all I have for now, but I don't have the CD yet to show you the rest! Someday they will pop up out of nowhere..........