Tuesday, July 31, 2007

A Single Mom's Nightmare

Where do I even begin? Did I even begin to think about the psychological aspect of letting my daughter see "the other family." Since Sunday, she hasn't been the same.

Sunday she slept most of the day. Anyone with an active 6 year old knows this is not normal. No she's not sick. There's no fever, nothing. But she slept most of the day.

Last night, she just laid on the couch. No Barbies, no fun stories, no begging me to put on dress up clothes.......nothing. The Tiger and I kept saying all night, "what is wrong wtih her?" Where's my happy little girl?

Then bedtime comes. My worst nightmare ever. Something that has haunted me, something I knew would happen sooner or later...........I laid in bed with her and asked what was wrong.

Her answer? "Why doesn't my daddy love me?" BAM! And I am supposed to answer this at bedtime? Wow. So that's what's been wrong. I think I laid in bed with her for hours after that crying with her, crying for her, calming her down, doing the best I can to show her that the Tiger and I love her SO MUCH......but it's not the same is it? My little girl feels abandoned.

During all this we went through some pictures (I have pictures of her and her dad, me and her dad, etc that I was saving when for when she was older).......no time like the present right? It made her feel good to look at them.

But here is one of my all time favorites from when she was a baby (about a year and a half). Here was a time when she was so young and innocent, didn't know the hell that was going on in her house. This picture makes me cry and laugh all in the same moment..........

Monday, July 30, 2007

Two Blogs In One Day? Go Me!

I am catching on to the blogging world! I am ready for fantastic giveaways. I didn't know they do that in the blogging world (smacking head on my desk)...........

Last thing I won........a stuffed unicorn at my summer camp after 3rd grade. I am due for another win don't you think?!?!??

Ok so I found this cool giveway for a 37 inch flat panelLCD HDTV. Thank you http://peanutbutterandjellyboats.com/ for introducing me to the "contest" world! She sent me to a contest from 5 minutes from mom....... http://http://www.5minutesformom.com/2032/insignia-37inch-flat-panel-lcd-hdtv-contest so I want to thank her too! And let's not forget http://www.bestbuy.com/ for hosting this great contest!!!!

Ok so i am new and confused.......how do I make my links look pretty like everyone else's????? hmmmmm teach a sista!

Just Not Feeling Me

You know, I've always been prided (if that's a word) in my ability to juggle my daughter, school, and work. But I know I can't do it all.

Now most of you aren't single moms. But let me explain something about me being a single mom. It's something I chose to do. Yeah I could've stayed with Missy's dad.....but I CHOSE not to. I was 24 and full aware of the hellish road ahead of myself. I knew it would be a constant battle day in and day out, hoping the outcome would be glorious.

But here's something I never thought about. Can you be jealous almost of your daughter's love for that other family????

A little background.....Missy hasn't seen her dad in 16 months (this was by his choice, not mine but he moved to West Virginia and never called again). She hasn't seen his parents or siblings since then either.

Well the other grandma came into town on a whim and wanted to see Missy. I let her see her. It's not her fault her son turned out to be a horrible father. She shouldn't be punished. So I let Missy see them.

They bought her presents. They took her to the zoo. They spoiled her and bought her anything she wanted. So all day on Sunday all I heard was "Granny this and Granny that."

A little of me felt sad. I can't afford that pretty little laptop Granny bought. I can't afford much other than daycare and the roof over her head! Will my daughter still appreciate me as much as the woman that bought her the "best gift ever?" It's all very humbling....let me tell you!

How am I supposed to feel???

Oh and when I woke up and got dressed this morning.........the button came flying off my capris. God and his little jokes on a Monday....I thank you for that!

Friday, July 27, 2007

One Minute Inside a Woman's Head

So much going on, so little time to get it all done. I wish that I have 28 hours in my day, not 24.

Good news....Got A's in both of my summer class. Ahhhh, see you didn't fry all those brain cells after all huh Jen?

Re-doing two bedrooms at the same time is way too much for me. What was I thinking?

Summer is over and I've yet to take my daughter to the beach this year. Maybe it's time to put those rooms aside for a day.

If my boss says one more time, "Just a little hiccup in our day" I might have to result to bodily harm.

Slowly sinking, slowing swimming. Way too much on the brain today.........

And that's one minute inside this woman's head.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Expensive Piece of Crap

I could complain about a lot today. The weather is crappy, it's pouring and it's making me in one of those kinds of moods today. I could complain about the fact that I can't stand my job, or about how hard it was to get the kid up today, or how I am now down to only 3 pairs of pants that fit me (and not even comfortably), or about the argument the Tiger (boyfriend) and I got in last night over something so trivial I am still confused...........

But let's stick with MY DIGITAL CAMERA. I could never afford one because all my money goes to daycare and bills. The Tiger finally got me one at Christmas. OH SO EXCITED WAS I. Until last night. We are getting to re-do the two downstairs bedrooms. Of course I wanted to take before and after pictures because no one would believe what these two rooms look like now. Imagine the Brady Bunch and how their house was decorated.........I live in that.

Anyway I turn the camera on to take pics, and um.....ummm......the camera got stuck between on and off. It's now completely useless. So I asked the Tiger if there's an extended warranty or anything. He knows nothing. He's a man, he looks at me as if I have two heads and he doesn't even know what I am talking about. Thank you useless man, I shall figure it out myself........

A cousin of mine is doing Watchers on a side note. She says I should try it out.....maybe. I do have a reunion in a month or so. Maybe, just maybe, 10 years later I can make myself look better than those cheerleaders........

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Wordless Wednesday

A time when I was thinner and tanner ....... The kid is still that damn cute though :)

No Title Needed

YEAH BABY! The old cranky boss went for it. Of course she made the remark by saying, "You want more time with your daughter?" as if she just couldn't fathom the idea of why I would want to do such a thing.

So starting in September I'll be able to drive Missy to school on Wednesdays. In some odd sort of way, that just makes my week. I always wanted to be a mom that got to drop her little girl off at school........or even to be there when she gets put on the bus. Something, anything, other than the sad good bye I see out of the daycare window every morning at 6:00.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

We'll Call Today Chicken Day

So I have this meeting with my boss at 11:30. Scared isn't the word. She's only been here a month, I've been here almost 9 years....why am I intimidated by her? She's one of those people that is MARRIED to her job. You know the type.......works 12 hours a day, has no kids, and wouldn't possibly think of using all her sick time - ever.

She's been here a few weeks and has "comments and questions" for those that report to her. Except I am going to drop a bomb on her and tell her that I want to go down to 4 days a week. I've been working full time, 5 days a week..........well, since forever.

Missy is off to do cheerleading in the fall and I would like to help her semi-participate. I am tired of dropping her off so early every morning and not getting home until dinner time. I just wish I had a schedule where I could spend more time with her. I know, I know......patience. That's what I am going to school for. But it's taking forever.

On a side note, I finished my summer school classes! GOOD BYE to Interpersonal Communications and Multi-Cultural Studies. I hope to never be graded on either one of you again!

Now........back to waiting on the meeting. Ugh, I hate this school girls, stomach in knots feeling.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Why Can't I Stop Smoking?

So Sunday morning I woke up and had no cigarrettes. This should've been a good thing. I told myself, "Ok gas and cigarrettes are going up daily in Indiana, it's time to give one of them up." So the obvious choice is smoking.

I made it all the way until 3:00 p.m. Then I found myself walking across the street to the gas station to buy more. I felt guilty, but I gave in to the urge.

So now I sit on a half smoked pack and feel guilty with every one that I smoke.

Why do I love smoking so much? It is because I started smoking at the age of 11 and am so thoroughly addicted? Is it because I fear the possibility of weigh gain with quitting? I've been adding and adding to the scale lately and am just disgusted by it. That's a whole different blog.

For now........I'll just sit and feel guilty over this pack of smokes I have. Tomorrow is a different day and maybe we can try this quitting thing again?

Friday, July 20, 2007

First Loves Never Die Apparently

So I just love the movie "The Notebook". There's something about that movie that blows away any romantic movie I've ever seen. I've seen the movie 3 times and could watch it everyday if time or my boyfriend permitted :)

I am in my last week of summer school and I decided to pick up the book "The Notebook" to read it before fall starts. Here is a line I read today.

"My daddy used to tell me that the first time you fall in love, it will change your life forever, and no matter how hard you try you will never again be the same".

This line has so many meanings. Think about your first time. I don't mean the guys you dated for 3 months and realized he wasn't "the one." I mean the first one that gave you that gut wrenching, heart aching, bone chilling love.......

My first love. 6 years of turmoil, heart ache, heart pleasing, I thought would never end. Well it ended. I now have a daughter to raise forever from that love. So true, I'll never be the same again......

Thursday, July 19, 2007

From The Mouths Of Babes

So my daughter has it all figured out for me. Here is our most recent conversation on the way to daycare this morning.

Me (thinking outloud) : Oh I hope today isn't as rough as yesterday.

Missy: Bad day yesterday?

Me: Yep. Some days at work are tough.

Missy: You know what you need. A new hairstyle.

Me: Huh?

Missy: Yeah, a new hairstyle will make you feel good. Maybe you should go to work in pigtails today.

Excuse me, but didn't you turn 6 the other day, not 20???? She is the reason I get up and smile.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

New to this? Should I dare try it?

So everyday I sit and read various blog's and I often wonder "Why am I doing this?" and what is the point of seeing everyone's blogs? I guess as a way to keep in touch with people that I don't get to talk to everyday. Heck, let's face it........we aren't in high school anymore and our lives are much more full. So we have more interesting stuff to talk about now as adults, um...... right?

Well whatever......here's the start of a blog and congratulations to you if you are reading it. I do not know why you are but you are here. Say something whitty Jen, say something cool........

Ok my mind is blank and I am still new.....but I will catch on.